There and back again, a saint's tale

Welcome to my new life.

I will ...

Sometimes I feel my mind can't make heads or tails of things. Spinning silently out of control, with no outward signs of trauma to be seen.

I look at my face and wonder, what happened to my young school boy looks. I always looked so young, but I skipped from teenager to middle aged man over night.

I listen to my voice, all grumpy and scruffy. what happened to that happy-go-lucky college kids that loved to learn and loved to try new things.

I hear my mind, constantly finding fault..... "Get off my lawn", as I shake my fists.

And here I am, bitching into a blog....real attractive, ain't it?

Close you eyes and picture yourself standing in front of a mirror. Look closely, what do you see? Study the details both externally as well as what you see internally.

Look carefully at each trait. Focus on what you like. For traits you don't like, erase them and replace with something positive.

Take the hostility, anger, and resentment out of the picture. These add no positive value...replace them with patient and understanding.

Take the fear and uncertainty and replace them with adventure and excitement.

Take the all the guilt and throw it way...it is just echos of the past. replace it with humility and appreciative.

Do this regularly and you will amaze yourself with the potential that will be realized.

I spend entirely too much time worrying about the future. I plan, re-plan, assess risk, and worry a lot. Usually the future is nothing like you thought it would be.

I need to let go of the future and enjoy the here and now.

Its important to always apply positive personal labels to oneself. Labeling something or someone has great power. Labeling yourself is even more powerful.

When I'm unhappy with something I've done, I must resist saying things like "I suck" or "I'm an asshole" or "I'm such an idiot". These labels are so powerful, that they can reinforce a self-fulfilling image and lead to disaster.

Instead, I should pick positive attributes about myself and use these labels to reinforce my strength. I'm a leader. I'm funny. I'm one to can inspire others.

OK, so the miracle of LJ lets me go back and check my resolutions from last year....Now I get to keep score. Before I even start, on the surface it did not feel like a year full of accomplishments and I'm a bit more sad about losing 2008 so soon as I have been in other years. Life passing me by way too fast.

So to review. My resolutions were

-tuck kids into bed every night (and alec in his OWN bed)

SUCCESS!!!! I've turned out to be quite awesome around bed time. And getting alec to sleep upstairs might have been the biggest accomplishment of 2008 :)

-continue the healthy living. this means get out of work by 4:30 and to the gym daily!!!
FAILED!! After losing 30 lbs in 2007, I've gained a good 12 of it back. I've not been taking care of myself like I should. this needs to change. But hey, at least I didn't gain it all back!


-don't let work consume me and drive my moods
MIXED: 2008 I actually started getting help professionally with controlling my moods. I think this has help, but work has just gotten worse.


-don't push back so much at project at work. agree to take on more and delegate more
MIXED: I feel i did ok on this. Took on some new projects.

-try to overcome fear of flying....somehow.
FAILED: Have not flown anywhere...but has been more open to the idea.

-quit trying to control every aspect of the world around me
MIXED: I'm definitely not trying to control my family so much. Work, i've been very frustrated by lack of control.

-more camping
Failed: No state parks. Only 1 trip to renfair and it was only so-so

-real summer vacation
FAILED: we barely even made it to the coast this year. No vacations to speak of this year.

-find or reconnect with friends for me and tisha to hang out with together
Working on it: So somehow we managed to get back in the chat crowd. I'm not exactly sure this was what was desired and i'm pretty mixed on it. But between chat and facebook, we have gotten more virtually social. Actually have a few chat folks that we occasionally see in real life too.

-do something special for my 40th birthday
FAILED: :(

-more poker
FAILED.

-new clothes...these are looking a little dingy
SUCCESS: yeah, I'm dressing slightly better this year. If i can drop another 20 lbs, I'll even look good.



OK, I get the feeling I didn't set my sites high enough in 2008. Even if I had hit all those resolutions, I don't think i would have been satisfied.


Let me continue by just listing some things in 2008 worth noting:

-Facebook reconnects. I've been sort of dragged kicking and screaming back into the online world. Its been good to reconnect with very old friends. I love seeing online status of people whenever I want. i love being able to post my status and have people comment.

-Growth as a manager. This was the first year i've had to lay people off. Something I don't like, and would have avoided if I could, but actually having done it makes me feel different somehow.

-Team in transition: Devtech keeps transforming. my team seems more and more intertwined with silicon design

-Swimming: I taught both kids to swim. We swam nearly everyday this summer. It was awesome

-Schliterban: Went twice for the first time in 20 years. Can't wait to go all summer in 2009

-Bike riding: This fall I taught both kids to ride 2 wheelers! I can't wait for it to warm up again so we can go some more

-Less warcraft: Starting this summer I began playing less and less and started focusing more on wife and kids. I'm actually getting sick of it. Is it because its boring. Or so I subconsciously blame it for other issues

IPHONE: This little gadget is a bit life changing. Hard to think what life would be without it.

Mr Mom: I've taken a bit of interest in dabbling with childcare this year. Tisha went out of town once and other times I just was trying to give her a break. I have to say i'm good at it.

Soccer dad: Alec was in soccer. I made it to every practice and every game and had a blast



So what do I want in 2009. what I want feels so up the air more than ever. Stuff is going on with me that I can't really blog about and its sort of consuming a lot of my thoughts. Still I have some goals:


-Be innovative in 2009. Spend less time worrying about pitfalls and more time taking risks.

-Live for present. The past is the past, the future is uncertain.

-Make my family happy.

-Back on the health wagon. Small breakfast, subway for lunch, no diet cokes, workout at least 4 times a week

-More swimming this summer. more bike rides with kids

-Enjoy the kids

-Find something for me. I'm afraid to say, i feel bored and lonely going into the new years. i need something to for me. Something I can proclaim as a hobby or interest or identify with. It used to be air hockey...then poker. then warcraft. I don't know what it is, but i need something.

-Paint the house. i'm serious this time.


I don't feel i'm setting my goals high enough again. I should make a resolution to add to these.

I love and hate my job. i love working with a team of engineers and leading them to build new and innovative things. i love seeing customers use my tools and build great things. i even love to help customers overcome short coming in our products and and making them better next time.

What I'm ready to go postal over is the red tape. this company is far too big. I can't manage my team because I'm constantly overruled by other parts of the organization. I'm sent to put out all kinds of forms and automated systems to get anything done. this company is far too big and far too slow. Everyday, I think to myself...."is this is? Is this the straw that is going to push me over the edge...the one that makes me explode and leave my family without an income?"

You never see people going postal here. I don't understand why i always feel so close to it, but others are able to hold back. I don't understand why more people don't quit. Why am i still here?

Alec starts soccer next week. i'm actually excited about it.

So I turned 40 (OMG) this summer. Similar to when I turned 30, its a lot better "being 40" than turning 40. Its going to be a good year.

This summer has already been more fun than last couple. For one, I'm spending more time with the kids. We have been going swimming almost everyday. swimming is fun because the pool it just down the walking path. kids can drive their little power wheels cars, or we can scooter, or just walk. Then bella has actually been swimming this year!

We also went to schilteban a couple of times this summer. Its peen like 20 years since I was there last. It was fun! Tisha was a hue sport going too and and we both had a lot of fun.

also spending a lot of time chatting with on silverchat late at night. sorta feels fun like it did so many years ago. Its fun staying up with tisha and both of us chatting and joking around with people. Nice to see and hear from a few folks from the old crowd as well.

Anyway, thats my update. TTYL

Isabella got an eagle pride award today for the school year. Its feel so good to watch the smile on her face. I'm very proud of her.

Somehow I got my detinst appointment time mixed up yesterday....net affect: I need to reschedule. Cost me a "missed appointment fee" and I ended up home early.

being home early was nice....we decided to go for a lengthy walk on our greenbelt trail with the kids. The weather was real nice. kids were reasonably good. in fact, nobody even asked to be "carried". we walked up the trail and cross the creak on the homemade footbridge...end up at the future school under construction and made a loop around avery ranch and back down the trail.

Coming back to work this Monday seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks. In additon to a full plate of meetings already scheduled, mangement kept adding meetings on top of meetings. Schedule tomorrow seems oddly worse if that is even possible.

To make things worse, my new laptops hard drive started failing. IT was pretty quick to give me a nice 6 year old loaner...which I'm banging on now.

Isabella got an Eagle Pride award at school. She amazes me everyday. The cerimony is on may 8th. looking forward to it.

Guild is finally moving forward again in wow. Killed first SSC boss last week and a second one there this week....all though I missed the second kill I was there when were were learning the fight.

I wanted to raid last night, but we only got a kara group together. Even after a two hour kara run, I'm still short 3 badges for my off hand. probably won't be able to get it till Sunday or Monday.

I'm still struggling with wow/life balance in general. I'm definately raiding less...though when I do raid, I always feel it really interfers with kids bedtime routine.

The past couple of weeks, i've had such a hard time motivating myself at work. Seems like as soon as meetings are clear, I'm ready to bail on the day. maybe I've been doing this too long.

I was recently introduced to an online comic that has been running for a while. I'm probably the last person on earth to discover it.

http://reallifecomics.com/

oddly enough, I feel like i have a ton in common with the main character.

Isabella's 7th birthday was yesterday. It really was fun. I took them both out for a ride through the neighborhood on the bikes and she ran into a kid she knew from school at the playground.

tisha cooked a really fancy looking cake. It was multi-layer, heart shaped cake with a realy dolled up icing job.

Bella was real cute opening her presents. i think she really liked what we got her too.

So I'm suppose to give a presentation to my boss's, boss's, boss tomorrow.

I've been told this is an "opportunity", but it really just makes me want to vomit thinking about it.

Regular subscribers to this blog realize that my last post was last Janurary (07) talking about new years resolutions. Gee, has it been a year? In my defense, at least I did NOT make a resolutin to make more LJ entries.

It was nice looking back on the last years and seeing what happened, what didn't....so i'll rinse, lather, an a repeat this year.

2007 in review:

-Joys of camping. Hey this was a resolution I paritally kept. Had a couple of day trips and two overnights. went to enchanted rock and renfair for camping. Did manage to cut a hole in my tent with a sword....

-two trips to renfair...twice as nice. I swear every year it feels like a choir going, but end up having the time of my life. it never gets old. This time I saw th fireworks from the stands, definately a must see for future trips

-Setup livining room with nice entertainment shelf....3 cheers for ikea!!!

-decent job spending time with kids...not working late late late every night.

-Had a resolution for a green lawn...weather took care of that for me. Wettest, coolest summer in austin EVER!!!

-Healthy living. my number one achivement on a personal level this year is I manged to lose 30 lbs. Its still work keeping it off, but boy am i trying. Another 30 and I'll be at a nice ideal weight. I want to live long enough to get the kiddos off to a good start in life.

-Trip to carslbad caverns. first national park....unbelievably cool!

-trained yet another new boss. every year another reorg, another boss.

-no more kids in diapers!!!!!!!! woohoo!

-No summer vacation....aside from a quick trip to the beach.

-No living room was painted this year.

-Missed band reunion...maybe in 2 more years.

2007 resolution:

-tuck kids into bed everynight (and alec in his OWN bed)
-continue the healthy living. this means get out of work by 4:30 and to the gymn daily!!!
-don't let work consume me and drive my moods
-don't push back so much at project at work. agree to take on more and delegate more
-try to overcome fear of flying....somehow.
-quit trying to control every aspect of the world around me
-more camping
-real summer vacation
-find or reconnect with friends for me and tisha to hang out with together
-do something special for my 40th birthday
-more poker
-new clothes...these are looking a little dingy

It sort of hit me last month when I realized it was time to start buying christmas presents. 2006 came and went. I sort of fear the psychological phenomena where it seems like time goes by unnoticed. It is a reminder that our time on this earth is limited and we will be gone before we know it.

Even as I sit here writing, I find myself wanting to categorize my accomplishments of 2006. They seem far less than they should have been. In fact most things happening around me were done by others. i can come up with a LONG list of things I didn't do. i guess I did get some stuff done at work.

2006 events:
-Got Isabella through first half of Kinder-garden
-Got a maid to help keep house nice for most of the year
-Began investing more intelligently for retirement
-Went to beach for nice summer fun with family
-Had nice christmas time with family
-Took kids camping
-Went to renfest twice....LOVE IT!
-Upgraded TV's to flat screens.
-Work: Tuned our new monolithic matrix organization to be somewhat productive.
-Work: Released several new product lines
-Work: Improved relationships with key customers
-Work: Ramped up 2 new employees replacing the ones lost in 2005
-Work: led the way with automated testing that actually works.

2006 didn't happen:
- Missed going to the Rocky Mountain National park with rest of family.
- Did not finish painting my living room
- Did not get closets cleaned out/organized
- Didn't enjoy work hardly at all in 2006. sometimes i hated it.

2007...what I want to do:
- Summer vacation of some sort. there is talk about a cruise this year or next with the turnbulls.
- Camping with kids. want to do at least twice this year. once in spring and once in fall.
- Renfest again. once without the kids
- Paint living room
- Get Entertainment shelves in living room
- Get lawn in greener condition.
- Find some joy in something I do for a living
- More time with Tisha away from family

After success in downing the final molten core boss last week, we were pushing to do a complete MC run in a single night. this was going well on tuesday when the server died. So it took two days to finish. i was there for first day, but raid was full for the second.

It was rogue-loot heaven, and i got most of the booty. I got my Nightslayer belt, then the NS gloves, then the NS Boots. Another NS piece dropped (helm) that went to a new member as all other rogues had some kind of epic helm. There was also a nice DPS ring that dropped (quick strike ring) which was bid on my johnny for MUCHO dkp (200).

We one-shotted (no wipes very few deaths) the whole instanced over the course of the two nights. I missed the second downing of rags, but listened on teamspeak...looked to go very smoothly. He is now our bitch. ZG, MC, an Ony we now dominate. We do farily well at AQ20 as well.

After rags, we formed a new group to do Ony...this went a little more difficult than usual. Phase 3 had a lot of deaths. They barely downed here with the last two locks taking out the final 1%. Again, more rogue love with a bloodfang hood.

Next week I'm out, but I'm sure they will do a full MC run in 4 1/2 hours. Week after than the goal is <4.

Black wing lair has been attempted a couple of times last week. We are still on the learning curve with the first boss, but making progress.

i'm so thankful for finding this guild. its a great bunch of people and we seem to value each other a gamers and even virtual friends. its nice because we are all on the same page, learning at the same time. A few have worked with more advanced raiding guilds, but only to the extent enough to give a few tips.

its also nice getting a rep on the server as an upcoming guild. we get so many people wanting to join...we can be pretty selective. Getting people roughly on the same page as us.